On Being A Walking Quandary

 "The only difference between a flower and a weed is judgement."

Lately I feel like I don't fit in. I'm increasingly public about being transmasculine, so it might look like I've found a place to slot in. But I haven't.

Before coming out, I figured out the female world because I had no choice. In school, organizations, and churches I was in leadership. I sat at the head table at meetings and the back of the bus with the "cool" kids. Today I feel as though I have no table or seat. 

It's like going through a second adolescence, where I have to find my way in life and my place with peers. I'm early into transitioning (only about eight months) and don't look very masculine. I sound feminine. To others I'm a walking quandary.

Discussion in transfeminine circles triggers issues from the past which I long to leave behind. I understand them but am uncomfortable in female conversations. The transgender men I know are well into "T" treatments and happily presenting as males. I'm jealous of them.  It all leaves me feeling as though I'm not guy enough to hang out with the big boys and I can no longer do what I always had to and just chill with the ladies. What I have in common with both groups is the desire to be seen and respected. But that commonality is not enough to help me fit in. I am not seen. 

I don't want to always have to strive to fit in. Always reaching for a mysterious, perhaps unattainable end-of-the-rainbow life. 

Judgement is a powerful force. The judgement of others in the past led me down destructive paths. My self-judgement is harsh. But I'm not a teenager anymore. I must sit in being me. 

I am the dandelion seed being blown in the wind. I will land. I will blossom.