A Return Ticket To A Moment

"A photograph is the pause button of life."

Pictures are a return ticket to a moment that is otherwise gone. Those moments may still be tucked away in the deepest recesses of our minds. Some memories we try to forget, yet they remain a part of us. Being a transgender man pictures from my past can bring up a perplexity of emotions and thoughts.

This photo recently resurfaced in my Facebook memories. My beloved knew me when it was taken. She shared her thoughts about it and then asked for mine. Her question sent me into a period of introspection.

These are my thoughts.

The person in the picture above feels like a stranger. I lived that life. I remember the moment the photograph was taken. Yet it is a profoundly strange experience to look at yourself and at the same time not recognize yourself.

I see someone who was doing the best they could to be a person they were never meant to be. Someone existing in a state of not truly being. They survived, they smiled, they kept going—but they were disconnected from their authentic self.

Imagine looking at a photograph of someone and being told, "That's you," while every part of you insists it isn't. The memories belong to me, but the person in the picture no longer feels like me. It is a disorienting experience, one that is difficult to explain unless you've lived it.

Today, that image reminds me not only of who I was expected to be, but of the long journey toward becoming who I have always been.

This is me now with my Beloved. 

I feel more me than I ever have in my entire life.

I am Declan. I am a transgender man. I am loved. I am becoming.

I will leave you with this quote to ponder. 

“Which of my photographs is my favorite? 

The one I’m going to take tomorrow.”
― Imogen Cunningham

 

Shifting Sands

 "Life is a desert of shifting sand dunes. Unpredictable, erratic. Harmony changes into dissonance, the immediate outlives the profound, the esoteric becomes cliched." Ella Leya

People change. We shift.

While many of our core personality traits remain relatively consistent, we all change over time. Life moves us.

The how and why of that change are often found in the defining moments of our lives. By moveable events, I mean the experiences that move us in one way or another—parenthood, illness, relocation, success, joy, grief, and hardship. Each can become a catalyst for growth. A shift.

Coming out as transgender wasn't a rejection of who I am. It was a shift in how I present myself and how others see me. You don't see less of me now—you see more.

Some might describe what has happened to me as "shapeshifting," but I see it differently. It's more like shifting sand shaped by the wind. The sand never stops being sand. It simply takes on a new form. Sometimes shifting sand creates something beautiful. Sometimes it changes the landscape in ways that make people uncomfortable. I won't get into the ecological benefits of sand dunes or the problems of beach erosion—that's above my pay grade. Instead, I'd rather talk about the beauty of metaphorical flexibility.

Just as shifting sand needs the wind to move it, I needed something to move me. For me, that was the weight of gender dysphoria and a deep desire to live authentically.

When I look back, I can see the moment that finally blew me out of my deeply rooted discomfort. It began when I met my beloved wife and started reading her writing—especially her book, Transfigured. If God could love me and create me as transgender, then why couldn't I embrace who They made me to be and tell the world the truth?

I also made a conscious choice to value growth and reality over the comfort of staying hidden. And I intentionally surrounded myself with people who nurtured truth instead of fear.

That brings me to my youngest and oldest children. They are both adults now, and from the very beginning they accepted me openly and wholeheartedly. That gift is greater than they may ever fully realize.

Do they have questions or private struggles? Perhaps. I don't know their inner thoughts, and they don't owe me that. What I do know is this: they use my correct name and pronouns. They respect me. They love me unconditionally. They have loved me for who I have always been.

My beloved, along with two of my children, have been the wind beneath my wings. Their acceptance and affirmation have given me the courage to weather the storms that so many transgender people face. They have helped me become more fully myself.

Love shifted me into the reality of the man God made me to be.

Beloved, Tanya, and Britt—your love has been the very breath of God in my life.

Ambivalence & April Dawn

It's my middle child's birthday this week. Her name is April Dawn. She's in the pictures below with the chosen men in her life: her boyfriend and the man she calls Dad.

It's both a happy and sad day for me because we haven't talked since I came out as a transgender man four years ago. This is nothing new for trans folx. Painful family rejection is a bitter pill to swallow, but today I find myself choking on it, and longing for understanding and hope.

Let me start at labor, which was difficult. April was rushed to the intensive care nursery but proved from the beginning there was a Mighty Mouse fighter inside her being.

April is a beautiful month, and I recognized my baby's beauty right away, so it seemed to fit. The beauty and newness of dawn has always appealed to my sense of mystical possibilities and wonder.  I also liked the way it sounded.

The birth certificate was signed, and the nameless baby became April Dawn. Would she like her name? Did it fit? A parent never really knows, we just choose it and hope for the best. But sometimes there is more.

With strength and beauty she exemplified the name as the years passed. 

Recently I realized the connection between the word April and new beginnings, renewal, and the blossoming of nature. Dawn is the time that marks the brightening dimness before sunrise. Together they celebrate the idea of having a new beginning everyday.

Shouldn't we all sit in a state of wonder each morning? Each moment? What will the new day hold? What pain might it restore?

Today I choose to sit before dawn anticipating the sun rising into the sky. Waiting with love and as much patience as I can. Hoping for and dreaming of a new day, when my beloved child can enter without fear into a new beginning. Forgiving me for whatever needs forgiving. Accepting in me whatever needs to be accepted. Entering into a new day.

A better day.

A day when our relationship can blossom into fullness.

An April Dawn.

Begin Celebrating The Transition.

 

Finding the right words to describe a journey as personal as gender identity can be a bit of a  challenge, but my personal story is one worth telling with pride. Here is a blog post written to begin celebrating that transition.

---

 My Journey

There are moments in life where the pieces finally click into place—where the reflection in the mirror finally matches the person inside. For me, that journey has been one of courage, discovery, and coming home to himself.

I am is trans masculine, this term captures a transition toward a more masculine identity. While every transition is unique. For me it's has been about shedding the expectations of others and stepping into my own truth.

What This Journey Means

Transitioning isn’t just about changing a name or a wardrobe; it’s about authenticity. For me, being trans masc means:

• Self-Definition: Choosing a path that feels honest and grounded.

• Growth: Navigating the world with a newfound confidence that only comes from being yourself.

• Community: Joining a vibrant history of masculine-of-center individuals who have paved the way for self-expression.

• Uniting my inward reality with my outward expression.

Why Support Matters

Stepping into a trans masculine identity involves a lot of "firsts"—the first time hearing my name spoken aloud, the first time feeling comfortable in clothes, and the first time feeling truly seen.

Having a support system makes all the difference. Whether it’s using his correct pronouns or simply being there to listen, the community around one's self plays a huge role in my joy.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." 

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Moving Forward

I am not a different person than the one folks have always known; I am just a clearer, more vibrant version of myself. As I continue this chapter, I will do so with the strength of someone who knows exactly who he is.

Here’s to my past, present, and the incredible man I strive to become everyday.

The Splinter in the Log: A Reflection on Being Transgender

 "

The Splinter in the Log: A Reflection on Being Transgender

Imagine a log floating down a river.

From a distance, it looks whole, solid, and complete. Everyone who sees it agrees: "That's a log." It appears simple and obvious. But hidden deep inside is a splinter—a small piece of wood that doesn't quite fit where it is. Most people never notice it. Some would insist it doesn't exist at all.

Yet the splinter knows.

It feels the pressure every day. It rubs against the grain of the log. It catches on things. It creates tension that no one outside can see. The log continues drifting downstream while the splinter struggles with a constant awareness that something is wrong.

For many transgender people, this analogy may feel familiar.

From the outside, others may look at a person and decide who they are based on appearance, assumptions, or expectations. To everyone else, the answer seems obvious. But identity is not something that exists only on the surface. Deep inside, there is an understanding of oneself that can be impossible to ignore.

Being transgender is often described as a journey of discovery, but it can also be a process of alignment. It is recognizing that the internal reality and the external presentation have been working against each other, creating friction much like the splinter against the grain.

Some people ask why a transgender person cannot simply accept the role assigned to them at birth. The analogy offers one answer: because awareness changes everything. Once the splinter knows it is trapped in the wrong place, pretending otherwise does not remove the discomfort. Ignoring it does not make it disappear. In fact, denial often increases the strain.

Transition, whether social, medical, or personal, can be thought of as carefully freeing the splinter and allowing it to settle where it naturally belongs. This process is not always easy. Wood resists change. Rivers are unpredictable. There may be people on the riverbank shouting that the log was fine as it was.

But the goal is not to satisfy the observers on the shore.

The goal is to reduce the friction that has existed for so long inside one self.

Every transgender person's experience is different. Some feel intense distress. Others feel a quiet but persistent sense that something is out of place. Some transition early in life, while others do not find the words to describe themselves until much later. Yet many share the experience of moving toward greater authenticity and comfort within themselves.

No analogy can capture the full reality of being transgender, but the splinter helps illustrate the friction between internal truth and external expectation. Transgender people are not broken pieces that need fixing. Rather, the image highlights the tension between external assumptions and internal reality. It illustrates how something unseen by others can still be profoundly real to the person experiencing it.

What matters most is not how the log appears from a distance. What matters is understanding the experience within it.

Sometimes the strongest truths are the ones hidden beneath the surface, waiting to be acknowledged. And when those truths are finally recognized, the result is not transformation into someone new, but the freedom to become more fully oneself.

' 

The Trans Masc Testosterone Journey

The trans masc testosterone journey can look different for everyone, but here’s a clear overview of what to expect — physically, emotionally, and practically.

---

🔹 What Testosterone Does (A General Timeline)

Everyone’s body responds differently, but here’s a typical pattern:

🗓 1–3 Months

• Voice starts to deepen (may crack like puberty)

• Increased oiliness/acne

• Libido often increases

• Mood shifts (can feel more intense or irritable at first)

• Period may become lighter or stop

🗓 3–6 Months

• Voice deepens more noticeably

• Facial/body hair starts coming in (slow process)

• Muscle mass increases more easily

• Fat begins redistributing (less hips/thighs, more abdomen)

• Clitoral growth (bottom growth)

🗓 6–12+ Months

• Facial hair thickens

• Continued body hair growth

• More angular facial appearance

• Period usually stops completely

• Emotional baseline often stabilizes

Full changes can take 2–5 years.

---

💉 Ways to Take Testosterone

• Weekly or biweekly injections (most common)

• Gel (daily application)

• Patches (less common )

• I take it every five days

Injections often give faster or more noticeable changes, but gel is steady and needle-free. It’s about what fits your comfort and medical access.

---

🧠 Emotional & Mental Changes

• Some people feel calmer and more grounded.

• Others feel more assertive or quicker to anger at first.

• Emotional processing can feel “different” (not less emotional, just different).

• Many report reduced gender dysphoria and increased confidence.

If you’ve struggled with anxiety or depression before, it’s good to keep a support system in place while your hormones adjust.

---

🩺 Health Monitoring

You’ll typically need:

• Bloodwork every 3–6 months at first

• Monitoring of red blood cell count

• Liver levels

• Testosterone levels

This helps keep everything in a safe range.

---

❤️ Fertility & Birth Control

Testosterone is not birth control.
You can still get pregnant unless you’ve had surgery. If that’s relevant to you, talk to your provider about options.

Fertility may return if T is stopped, but it’s not guaranteed.

---

🌱 Things People Don’t Always Talk About

• Sweating increases.

• Body odor changes.

• Appetite can increase.

• Hairline may masculinize (genetics matter).

• Voice training can help control depth and tone.

• You might grieve aspects of your old self — that’s normal and doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.

---

If you want, tell me:

• Are you just starting? Pre-T? A few months in?

• Are you worried about anything specific (voice, hair loss, family reaction, mood)?

• Are you looking for physical info, emotional support, or practical tips?

I’m here for whatever part of this journey you’re on. I am on it too! 🖤

Dealing With Stress

 Dealing with Stress. That thought has been on my mind a lot lately. What can help in a world that feels helpless and frustrating? One idea that comes to mind is journaling. 

A few thoughts on what journaling can do:

• Enhance mental clarity

• Boost self esteem and mindfulness

• Encourage reflection

• Organize thoughts and ideas

• An outlet to be silly- doodling fun

• Can aid in personal growth

• Spark creativity

• Can be goal oriented

• Improve mental clarity - remove clutter

• Setting and achieving goals

• Manage anxiety

• Reduce stress

• Joy through capturing fun situations, events

• Gratitude journaling -focus on what you are grateful for

• Help you prioritize problems, fears, and concerns

• Provide an opportunity for positive self-talk

• Provide a place to relax and meditate

• Sometimes we just need to scribble!

So grab a few pieces of paper or a journal and begin. 

If you need prompts to begin here is a link to one of my favorites. 

Just Be You journal

"A journal for capturing your reflections on life, love, and the wonders of the world. Each page is topped by an affirmation or encouragement. Use the notebook for doodling, de-stressing, or brainstorming. It's a handy place to capture your thoughts, emotions, and to-do lists, a space where you can color across the lines and enter into the wonderful reality of just being uniquely YOU."

•